One of the most important keys to staying prepared for the imminent zombie invasion is creativity. The ability to stay alive in situations that would leave the stupid and scared masses as dead meat (pun! shameless) is based on instinct and quick thinking. If your mental image of the end of the world involves pipe bombs and automatic weapons simply lying behind like a red-neck christmas, you have another thing coming; namely a few million zombies.
So let's tackle this urban jungle Bear Grylls-style...but without any pee drinking, I promise. Weapons after the jump!
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| The Scarlett Johansson of zombie weapons. Unrealistic to have, impossible to recreate, but oh so sexy anyway. |
10) The UFO projectile – See that picture of your dog, your favorite coffee mug,
and the computer screen you are reading this on? Anything you can hurl at a zombie could potentially knock off one of those rotting limbs. This is mostly to least keep the zombies at a distance until you figure out a better plan. So, maybe hold off on throwing the computer screen until you are finished reading this post.
9) Fire extinguisher – Pay attention in those fire safety meetings, because the fire extinguisher could be your friend in the ZA. Not only can you spray your target, hopefully slowing or stopping it for a bit, but it also doubles as a heavy-duty throwing or bashing weapon.
8) Electrical wire rodeo – For those of you who lasso things in your spare time, all those extension cords would make perfect ropes to subdue your undead friends. For those of us who can swing a rope and that’s about it, try tying something to the end of a cord and hitting them from afar.
7) Pen-and-pencil-laced broom – If you have some tape or heavy-duty glue, you
can create a swing-or-stab medium range weapon with all those pointy writing
utensils you have. Make sure you have some pre-sharpened pencils prepared at
all times.
6) Battering ram – Use a metal file cabinet drawer or an office chair with the swivel wheels removed to ram zombies into next week. Or just to the next cubicle so HR can deal with them.
5) Live wire power strips – All those power strips laying around sure run a lot of electricity through them, huh? Unplug them, stick as many paper clips as you can find into all the sockets, and lay them like mines in every entry and exit around you. Watch your step!
4) Box cutter – This is sure to do some damage, but because of its extremely
short range it should only be used in emergencies Keep one in your pocket when Z-Day hits – just make
sure it’s sheathed so you don’t get an unpleasant surprise in the pants.
3) Standing lamp – Hopefully your office doesn’t skimp on lamps, because
well-built ones can make great extended T-ball bats. Knock those heads over
the fence!
2) Scissor dagger – Another effective short-range weapon that should only be
used in emergencies. Scissors have the advantage of being two weapons in one
when broken in half. Contrary to what your mother taught you, you may run with
scissors in the ZA.
1) Paper cutter short sword – This might be the most effective short-range
melee weapon you can find in the office. Just unscrew your industrial paper
cutter and you have a decent sized sword. Keep it sharp, and aim for the neck!
No weapons-in-the-office post is complete without the king of all paranoid weapon-hoarders:
Stay alive, folks.
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